Kyle was one of the first people I met at UCA. We were in the marching band together and were in the same music theory classes. I downright avoided him the first month of my freshman year because he was flirtatious and I had a boyfriend back home. The next several years after we became friends he (playfully) never let me live down how "stuck up" I acted that first month. We eventually got over the awkwardness of being new to this college thing (or I did, he was a year above me). I think it was the day that I walked into music theory early and he was alone playing Beatles' songs on the piano (note to everyone: it is impossible for me to dislike anyone who likes the Beatles). It became a thing--we'd show up a little early, he'd play Twist and Shout or Let it Be and I'd sing along.
The next semester I went through sorority rush. The night I got my bid for Alpha Sigma Alpha we went to all the fraternity houses and "meet the guys" (which meant awkwardly bob to the music with people you don't know while your older sisters whom you've just met encourage you to meet the pledges of the fraternity). I was completely relieved to walk through the doors of the Sigma Nu party room and see a pledge I did know--Kyle. At UCA it is uncommon (and discouraged) for a band nerd to go greek. Kyle and I were the only two to break the laws of band nerd-dom. We proudly endured the consequences together.
We spent a lot of time over the next four years together. We had all the same friends and enjoyed trips to Memphis, Dallas, Willy D's, and the Conway VFW together. I could always count of Kyle to be at the UCA tailgate grilling, on stage at the Sigma Nu house playing guitar, and at the piano bar singing Journey songs as loud as he could. Kyle eventually changed his major to nursing and we saw less of each other during the week.
When I graduated UCA and moved to Little Rock I lost touch with Kyle except through the weak bonds of facebook. This past March I was completely devastated when I found out he had killed himself.
"Don't ever assume that anything works the way it should." Out of all my friends from undergrad, Kyle was one of the last I would expect it from. He was the one painting himself in purple for the football games and making the smart-ass comments. However, those closest to him at the time said the past year Kyle had faced some challenges that he kept well hidden.
Suicide is the result of a illness. Until you accept that as fact, you will never be able to cope with the death. Kyle's death taught me that this illness won't always show outward symptoms. You should always take the time to tell people you care for them, and not just your closest friends and your family members. Take the time to listen to people and don't become frustrated with their short-comings. Most importantly, don't ever assume that anything works the way it should. We can be superficial beings. Since Kyle's death I have tried harder to really listen to people. You never know everything someone else is dealing with. Treat others with love at respect no matter the circumstance.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression, please seek help. Many wonderful orgnizations with trained professions are out there waiting for a phone call. Hopeline is one of those groups. Their number is 1-800-784-2433.
Kyle had the bluest eyes and the whitest smile of anyone I have ever known. At the wake for Kyle, Louis said that every time we see blue skies and white clouds that is Kyle smiling down on us from heaven. The LR half-marathon is exactly one year to the week Kyle died. I have a feeling there will be blue skies and white clouds. Mile 3 will be for Kyle.
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| The two of us at Willy D's, circa 2007 |
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| Kyle (far left) "doin' it like a big bear" |
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